A practical guide to visiting Guyana for CARIFESTA

May 17, 2008 Letters

---

Dear Editor,
So his Excellency President Jagdeo says that there will be more people in Guyana for CARIFESTA than were here for Cricket World Cup. All hail His Excellence for his vision and foresight.
Just in case you are one of the hundreds of thousands who plan to visit we provide for you a practical guide to visiting Guyana.
The first thing you should do is to tell your relatives and friends to spread word in the village and neighbourhood that things real brown in the US or Barbados or wherever you are so you coming home to thaw off for a lil while and put yuh head back in order.
That way the lil local bandits will think you’re a low life with no money and won’t have their radar pon yuh when yuh arrive.
When you do touch down at the Cheddi Jagan International Airport Timehri, as soon as you exit and you done hug up yuh people dem, mek sure yuh visit Uncle Odinga Red Power store (just outside arrival hall) and buy a SIM.
Is free after three and besides Uncle Odinga got nuff medical bills to pay and he need the money.
Do not bring any fancy cellphones. Buy a cheap one from Gizmos and lef it wid yuh family when yuh ready fuh go back. Fancy cellphones does get thief, if not by a choke and rob, by a sly family member.
And if yuh need to change any US or Bayjun or Pounds or whatever else you have check for the Rastaman who does be liming outside the arrival hall.
He is a legitimate unofficial cambio dealer who does give yuh good rates even if he maths needs lil brushing up from time to time.
He is a hustler and a rootsman and a patriot. After all he didn’t run away to Suriname or Trinidad to do trading. He stayed right here and suffering through, so patronize the man business even if he does not file annual tax returns.
Try your best to schedule your arrival for mid morning; that way, if there are any delays you should still arrive during daylight. You do not want to arrive at nights. Bad idea. Bandits can stick yuh up anywhere on the road.
Make sure you tell your uncle, brother, father, son, cousin, nephew or neighbour or whoever is driving that at no time should they pass 80kmph on the East Bank Highway (unless of course they see a suspicious car with four young Guyanese males driving close behind).
No matter how dem tell you that dem know the road, do not allow them to go over 80kmph in normal circumstances. Too many mad people driving pon the road and too many black cows liming too late.
If yuh see that car with the four young Guyanese behind ya’ll vehicle, tell the driver to ‘full de clock’, pray, then holler .
Walk wid nuff insect repellent. Dem mosquitoes big and nasty and serious. Dem is PPP trained mosquitoes; dem gun suck yuh dry by any means necessary.
One pholourie is GY$5. Do not act surprised. Food prices gone up all over the world. Stop complaining and pay the lady or move along. She has local customers who will buy she out before 6pm so she doesn’t need you standing around talking about how you used to get five pholourie for one dollar in 1991.
Everything is 16% more expensive. VAT is the new ting and no matter how dem tell you that certain tings zero rated, it zero rated in the GRA books, not on the grocery shelves.
To beat the pressure, do like yuh relatives. Tell de shop man that you don’t need a receipt. It works like a charm every time.
Do not bring any jewellery. Do not buy any jewellery. Yuh gon just attract choke and rob bandits. No need to show off. Or you can choose to show off and pay the penalty.
The penalty is usually a few chops about your body, a stab here or there or a gunshot wound to the abdomen. If you’re alive, you’re lucky; thank God and bring forward your departure flight.
Lock your credit cards, green card and passport in a safety deposit box until you are ready to leave. If you risk keeping them with you and the bandits carry dem away do not go crying in the media how dem tek everything and dat dem didn’t need fuh tek de credit cards and green card and passport.
The bandits will do whatever dem feel like doing. Get your act together and take precaution.
Bring along a small, cheap camera you can afford to lose if it gets picked from you. Do not go walking in front Globe Yard with any electronic item slung around your neck like the stupid tourist who came off the cruise boat ship. Dem junkies in Globe Yard gon tek it from yuh, head by de pusha man and build a head.
Do not go outside the house after 6pm. Stray bullets flying around everywhere. Unless you spend your spare time perfecting catching stray bullets with your teeth stay inside and eat some sada roti and baigan choka and watch Deal or No Deal.
Mek sure de grill door and the windows dem lock up by 7:30pm sharp. Bandits wukking early now to ketch dem sleep.
Take one day and go for the mandatory walk on Regent Street. Do not walk with any hand bags or purses. Bad idea, they attract thieves.
Buy a snow cone from the man by Bourda Market and suck it like laang time. Pay de man, he not robbing you because yuh got a lil ‘Merican accent; that is de blasted price!
Make sure you spend GY$10,000 in Matt’s Record Bar buying DVDs and CDs. We can assure you that the quality is excellent and they have all the latest releases, even the ones that ain’t release in ‘Merica yet. Leave this for last and go straight home with a taxi as soon as you are done.
Do not bring real cash. Use travelers cheques as often as you can. Change them into small amounts at a time so if you get robbed everything does not go down the drain all at once. Do not go to the bank yourself. Send a relative.
No matter how nice the advertisements nice, do not go out to any night events.
This is not North America, the blasted place hot. Stop complaining or go back to where yuh come from.
Go for a drink at Peg-ass-sus poolside but do it in the afternoon. Don’t behave stupid, pay the bill. Rum dare. At least at Peg-ass-sus it is. Tip generously but not extravagantly. Anything between GY$500 and GY$1000 is good. Otherwise drink high wine at home.
Tek a trip to Kaieteur Falls if you can afford it. Do not holler up or vomit up in de people dem lil kuchumunu plane.
Bare yuh chaffe and hold in de vomit. Dat same lil kuchumunu plane fly to Kaieteur and back more times than the A Train reach Far Rockaway.
If in the nights yuh hear anything sound like a gunshot jump in the wardrobe and pray. If you realise bandits are in the house do not call police (they don’t work after 6pm). Call your relatives abroad and say your final goodbyes.
Do not resist the bandits. If you do they will kill you. Cooperate with them, give them whatever they want and then they will kill you anyways.
But if you cooperate you might be able to negotiate with them to shoot you in your chest as opposed to your face and spoil your good looks.
If they shoot you in the face you will have a closed casket funeral; if they shoot you in the chest at least people will be able to see yuh ‘dead face’.
Malika Alleyne-Persico

---

---