Tony Dyal column – Where are you, Zinedine Zidane?

May 12, 2008 Tony Deyal column

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“Soccer” and “sucker” are homophones. A homophone is not an electronic apparatus containing a receiver and transmitter connected to a telecommunications system and used exclusively by someone who is sexually attracted to members of the same sex. It is a word that is pronounced in the same way as one or more words, but is different in meaning and sometimes spelling, like “male” and “mail”. Soccer is the official English name for what we know as “football”. A “Sucker” can be the type of gullible person of whom the famous showman PT Barnum said there’s one born every minute. It can have other meanings, some more “lingus-tic” than linguistic. For example, in France, even though one belonging to the masculine gender might enter the world every sixty seconds, there is a cut-off point at 60 million. Calypsonian the Mighty Sparrow postulates that in matters of this nature, Sixty Million Frenchmen cannot be wrong.

So, leaving Frenchmen to their favourite pastime, what about those for whom the other member of this particular homophonic family is less a sport than an obsession, more a way of life than a mere game. Sixty million Frenchmen may have their predilections, but what about sixty million Brazilians? Do they have a ball with soccer? Are they high on football, or are they into other pursuits when their homophones need a top-up?

The recent experience of football star Ronald is instructive. Ronaldo Luis Nazário de Lima was born on September 18, 1976. He is a Brazilian professional footballer who plays as a striker for the Italian First Division team AC Milan. According to Wikipedia, Ronaldo has been nicknamed “The Phenomenon”. Because Pele named him one of the 125 greatest living footballers (March 2004) and France Football included him in its best all-time starting 11, one would think that the nickname had to do with his football prowess. After all, he was on the team that won the 1994 and 2002 World Cups and was three-time FIFA World Player of the Year. The only other person who equalled this feat was Zinedine Zidane, a good Frenchman who used his head. But a recent incident involving the football star Ronald proved two things — one, that the “phenomenon” nickname might not have been for football at all; and two, he might play for AC Milan, but he would never play for DC Milan.

This is what seems to have happened to “The Phenomenon”. According to a media report, “Police are investigating claims by AC Milan striker Ronaldo that a transvestite prostitute sought to extort money from him following an altercation at a Rio de Janeiro motel.” According to Police Inspector Carlos Augusto Nogueira, the soccer superstar, who is recuperating from knee surgery, dropped his girlfriend home. He then cruised the streets and found what he thought were three beautiful women. It turned out that he had mistakenly contracted the services of three transvestites and took them to a motel. Inspector Noguera claimed that Ronaldo tried to get out of the situation after one of the men went in search of drugs. Finding himself in what was an extremely embarrassing and potentially dangerous situation, he tried to buy the men off. Two of them accepted pay-offs of 1,000 reais (US$600), but Ronaldo has claimed that the third, named as Andreia Albertini, demanded 50,000 reais (US$30,000) and threatened to post a video on the Internet if he was not paid. Some newspapers report that Albertini also took Ronaldo’s passport.

The policeman explained that Ronaldo had not committed any crimes by contracting the men, but he is “looking into other claims.” Noguera insisted, “He just wanted to have fun and meet some other people outside his usual environment. There is no crime at all.” He added, “He (Ronaldo) is quite shocked. He said he just wanted to have some fun and for the press not to be informed about this.” Noguera confided, “Ronaldo told me he is suffering some psychological problems as a result of his injury.”

Ronaldo, who has a reputation as a philanthropist, once said: “No one should be doomed to a life of poverty, whether by birth or as a consequence of war.” It is therefore possible that he may have seen this initially as a win-win situation – he gets some fun and the poor ladies get some money, thereby adjusting the huge income disparity that characterises the socio-economic situation in Brazil. It could be that he saw his dalliance as a way to relax, something akin to celebrity golf. He swings his club, makes a hole in one, two or three, passes some green, putters around a little bit more, takes out his three iron and let fly. However, this time he scored a triple bogey and ended up in a bad lie.

Some people, like Inspector Noguera, are either blasé about the situation or feel sorry for Ronaldo. They point out that prostitution is legal in Brazil and there are a lot of “she-males” or “transvestites” (called “trannies” for short) around, so it is no big deal. If that is not your thing, then you admit you made a mistake and run like hell. They figure that if Ronaldo’s knee was better, instead of dribbling and trying to score, he would have taken off on a solo run. However, a few of the women I’ve spoken to are angry and believe that the trannies should have done more than extort a few bucks from the superstar. “Think of how his girlfriend must feel,” one told me. “He dropped her home and then went out looking for not just one other woman, but three! She must be feeling so bad that she might need a psychiatrist.” They have a point, but instead of a psychiatrist, what the girl needs to cure what ails her is another “soccer” star. I would recommend a Frenchman who has a good head on his shoulders. Where are you Zinedine Zidane?

*Tony Deyal was last seen asking what charges can you bring against a tranny? Male fraud

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